A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.

So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.

" "My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.
 
 

  ______________________________

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and reports that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me what you mean."

So, she takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. Then she pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"

"No, I'm actually a blonde," she replies.

"I thought so," says the doctor. "Your finger is broken."

 

  ______________________________

One morning a woman and her baby were taking public transportation. As she entered the bus the driver said, "Wow! That is one ugly baby." 

The woman, deeply hurt, just continued onto the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man.

The man asked, "What's wrong, you look mad?"

She replied, "I am." "That bus driver just insulted me."

"You shouldn't take that from him," the man replied. "He's a public worker and should give you respect.

If I were you, I would take down his badge number and report him."

"You're right sir, I think I will report him," she said. The elderly man said, "You go on up there and get his badge number and I'll hold your monkey for you."

 

  ______________________________

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

The boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To his surprise, the small voice whispered, "No."

"Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

"No."

"Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes," whispered the child. "A policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going ON there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whisper the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Now really alarmed, the boss asked, "Why are THEY there?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle,

"They're looking for me!"
 

  ______________________________

The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.

"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. No, it's actually worse than that. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"

The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tones, "Pay me in advance."

  ______________________________

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problem with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, 'Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says. "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey, wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing", and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

 ______________________________

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the blonde who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.        
It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver:  Gun ? What gun ?? ...there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver:  I said what ????
Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah,  And  I'll bet the lying officer told you I was speeding too !!!..

 ______________________________

The mother was surprised and asked her son "Who is El Nabi Bosa?  He does not exist".

Her son replied "I always hear my father running after the maid saying w'EL Nabi Bosa".

  ______________________________

   ______________________________

New English(German View) 

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.  Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. 

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen ve vil tak over ze world!

  ______________________________

It's an agreement in which a man looses his Bachelor's Degree and a woman gains her Masters.

A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life. (This does not apply to everyone)

Committee

Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done even together. 

 ______________________________

The Mink Coat  

A man walks into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier with a gorgeous blonde on his arm. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims.

So the owner of the shop goes in the back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."

"No problem! I'll write you a check!"

"Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared." So the man and the woman leave. 

On Monday, the fellow returns.

The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!"

"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"

 ______________________________

Different Engineering Perspectives 

Four men rode in a car: a mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a computer engineer.

The car stalled out.

The mechanical engineer said, "It must be the pistons; let's repair them and be on our way."

The electrical engineer said, "It has to be the spark plugs; we'll replace them and be ready to roll in no time at all."

The chemical engineer said. "No, it's got to be bad gas; we'll flush the system and be on our way."

They turned to the computer engineer. "What do you think we should do?" they asked. 

The computer engineer shrugged and said, "Let's get out of the car, close the doors, then get back in and try restarting it."

  ______________________________

High Profile Consultant  

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the edge of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Jeep Cherokee screeches to a halt next to him. The driver, a young man dressed in a Brioni suit, Testoni shoes, Ray-Ban glasses, and a YSL tie gets out and asks the shepherd: "If I guess how many sheep you do have, you give me one of them?" The shepherd looks at the young man, then looks at the sheep which graze and says: "All right."

The young man parks the car, connects the notebook and the mobile, enters a NASA site, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a data base and 60 Excel tables filled with algorithms, then prints a 150-pages report on his high- tech mini-printer. He then turns to the shepherd and says: "You have exactly 1586 sheep here." The shepherd answers: 

"That's correct, you can have your sheep."

The young man takes a sheep and puts in the back of his jeep. 

The shepherd looks at him and asks : "If I guess your profession, will you return my sheep to me?" 

The young man answers : "Yes, why not." 

The shepherd says : "You are one of the big Eights' High Profile Consultant!"

"How did you know?" asks the young man. 

"Very simple," answers the shepherd : "First, you come here uninvited. Second, you charge me a sheep to tell me something I already knew. Third, you do not understand anything about what I do, because you took my dog!"

 ______________________________

Amish boy and his father 

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your Mother".

 ______________________________

Crying Husband  

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked all around, finally finding her husband in the basement, crouched in the corner, facing the wall, and crying.

"What's wrong with you?" she asked him.

"Remember when your father caught us together when you were 16?" he replied. 

"And remember he said I had two choices: I could either marry you, or spend the next 20 years in prison."

" Baffled," she said, "Yes, I remember, so what?"

"I would have been released today."

  ______________________________

Domestic Tranquility  

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. 

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon, "explained the man."  We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule.  We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot him.

I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.'

  ______________________________

A man walks into a bar and orders three pints of beer, and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each.

When he finishes, he returns to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The man replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.

The man becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints.  All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The man looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye, and he laughs.

"Oh, no," he says, "My Brothers are fine. I've just quit drinking!"

 ______________________________

A Plane Ride

Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff an Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs.

He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the Israeli. "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it. When the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I think I'll have one too."

Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is gone the other Arab picked up the other shoe and spit in it. The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York.

As the plane was landing, the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our peoples....this hatred....this animosity....this spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

  ______________________________

A Train Ride

There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.

Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.

When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the English- man had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.

The Englishman was thinking: 'The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it.'

And the Irishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that Englishman again.

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